031524
Hahahaha I have failed to update as per usual 😎
022324
Another check in ☝🏼
Hi. I wrote this already in my *apple* journal entry, but overall I’m pretty content with my life.. about 90% of the time. Since I’ve dug myself a grave with a handful of people in the past, I’ve learned to have a harder shell but also just.. not give a damn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. It be what it be, and also life is just easier head empty no thoughts 🙃. So here we are.
Personal friends.. I’m not even sure if I have enough to count on one hand to be honest. I think I have an ‘unrealistic’ way of how I perceive a true friendship. I’ve always thought I’d have girlfriends that has fluid conversations, inside jokes, someone I can go to about anything, but I don’t really think I’ve ever felt THAT significantly close to anyone except for partners. Every time I go into a hangout I felt as if I needed to bring something to the table - a new event or detail about my life or just try to come up with interesting things about myself. Which is on me, like why do I feel like I have to pull something out of me that doesn’t exist when I see friends? It’s something that used to be fun catching up turned into me not feeling excited to go bc I’m just so out of touch and disconnected every hang out.
I figured less friends = less of that feeling, which is true I mean 0 people to communicate to = 0 opportunity to feel that way LOL. I guess it’s not really the answer, but I think I need to do some more self reflection to get myself to start hanging out with people again. But not bc I feel obligated to, but bc I genuinely want to. Some homework for me I guess 🤡
022124
LOL — my last post was from a YEAR ago saying I was going to get back into posting again 💀. well here we are again in 2024!
For work, we are doing a wellness challenge and I think the motivation to start this was for the prize $$ ngl. But I’m also thinking I am not an active person at all and maybe even though the incentive may not be in the right place, it will still push me to do things I don’t typically do. I figured since parts of the challenge includes reflections and mindfulness, I could journal a couple times a week for the month and see where it leads me.
My current state of mind is usually fairly content, I tend to be complacent and maybe that’s something I need to work on, but I do at least acknowledge I am like this. Not sure what my goal is, I do tend to have a lot of self reflective thoughts about myself but never take action on the matter if it is in a negative light, so maybe I start there.
More to come :) for real though lmao, unless I tank this too and never come back.
she’s baaaaack (030323)
omg. hi. this is kinda crazy. and nostalgic. i literally rebooted my macbook (that’s in dire need of a service for a new battery lmao) to write here!! the past couple days i’ve done a deep dive (during work hours too, shhhh) back on all my little diary posts, from high school to college, and to 2021 (mostly privated posts). it’s definitely been a ride. it’s so fun to read back on my old posts - sometimes cringe, but for certain topics (usually boys) i can vividly remember back to the time period and how it made me feel. somewhat reliving the memories, but also reading back because i definitely remember some things more negatively than what i actually wrote at the time. i wish i wrote more throughout college, but at the time i came here to vent about how i was feeling when i felt like i couldn’t tell anyone or felt alone. i’m glad i was able to capture those feelings and come back to them now. i see a lot more growth from myself since those times.
i think the following posts i’ll recap 2022 (because i literally have 0 posts from last year :o!!) and go through some of these old posts and my thoughts on them now. maybe i’m a bit bored or something, but i’ve been a remincient stage since my year 27 is coming up in a month. but yeah, hehe more to come from me! thank god this site is so dead, not sure if i’d actually write anything if it was still active.
idk what to even do with my thoughts rn, maybe everything i think about is stupid and dumb bc that’s how i feel. idk how to change my mentality, but at this point i’m just so sick of how annoying i am with every word that drops from my mouth bc i can just hear the amount of jealously and insecurity i have. i think from now on i’m just going to shut the fuck up bc it’s honestly not helping anyone and it doesn’t go anywhere so i might as well just suffer in it myself.
like lol fuck off jackie, you emotional piece of shit.
:-)))))
ok hi, round 2, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
HAHAHAHAHAHA NOOOPPPEEE, I THOUGHTTT. i bet even my BEST version of myself, i will never be as attractive as her, and that’s a fucking fact. dude, fuck me, lmao.
comparison kills and i let it.
also mastering crying in silence, pillowsheet is very wet though.
man if only i learned to love myself
