Theater of the Insane
Friday, April 10, 2009
HiatusI haven't blogged in a while. Mostly because I got tired of seeing my own thoughts on a computer screen. I have had plenty to blog about since my last post, but to be perfectly honest I am tired of ranting about stuff I can neither change or affect in any positive way. Something inside me is changing. I don't know what. It's been brewing for a while. I, to be perfectly frank, am tired of being stuck in my head with a revolving suite of problems. I could talk about the hell the last couple of months have been. How much I hate! and I mean HATE! the project management paper I need to complete - long story, but I don't want to go into details. I haven't wanted to talk about nor go into details about anything. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm just tired of life. My ability to tolerate much of anything is really low. It could be the fertility meds I'm on. I have no clue. There are only a few things I am sure of lately. I want a baby and I hate my job. Period.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Christmas/NewYears, Marriage and lifeI've discovered that I really dislike Christmas. It's greedy, indulgent and exhausting. Christmas Eve at moms..that's awesome. The preamble you can keep. I love watching my daughter open gifts, but that's about it.
New Years. Ah my perception of New Years has definitely morphed. I have spent New Years with so many different people over the years. I find it kinda funny that I always seem to ring in the New Year with mostly strangers and one or two loved ones. Maybe that's just the way it goes. It's ironic in my 20's I always wished I had someone to kiss at midnight, now that I have a husband it's like hey honey can you pass the chip dip. It makes us both laugh. Were actually happy that we have moved past the stupid button that is the first year of love. We're clearer, more organized and oddly more in love. Funny how that works.
I have had so many friends recently with marriage problems..divorce possibilities as well. It worries me sometimes, but my husband and I made a decision a long time ago...divorce is a cop-out unless of course there is drugs/alcohol/abuse/insanity - which luckily is not an issue yet. I've noticed a couple of things about our culture lately.
- There is a seriously lack of interest/respect for a strong life-long commitment.
- There is not enough education, particularly for young women, on how to navigate relationships. This translates into women over analyzing men's motives. not understanding what is acceptable or unacceptable in a relationship. There are too many women out there that believe men/people can change. One thing that I have had to reiterate over and over again is when a man wants you (this means more than your sex), they will not play games, and they will be there for you. They will show love and not just say it. Trust me men will say anything to get laid..ANYTHING. It's not shameful, it's not wrong. It is who they are. I think women need to be able to define their boundaries earlier in life.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Long timeWow, I haven't posted in a long time. Not that there is anything to post about, there's plenty to post about. I have been too busy living the non-virtual life, too tired, unmotivated etc...
Work is getting me down. I hate my boss. Oddly I don't actually hate what I do. I'm being micromanaged and it's exhausting psychologically. After 8 hours of that I need to come home and be a perky wife and attentive mom - yeah right. Well I do it. Not the perky wife bit, but the mom bit. As exhausting as that can be I love my little girl and enjoy the time with her. She relaxes me, as weird as that sounds. She takes me away from the pathetic, money-grubbing, indulgent adult world. It's a breath of fresh air after a day of negotiating the internal politics of my insignificant workplace.
On that happy note...is there a happy note - Ha!!! I'm close to finishing my project management certification. I am so sick of it - really. Oh and will be trying for a second baby soon with the addition of fertility drugs. Really scared of them. I've heard good stories and horror stories about the mood swings. I hope I don't get any side-effects. My poor hubby.
Well that's it for me, it's all the mental energy I have right now.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tori and Dean Harbingers of the Apocalypse?The end is near folks and here it the video to prove it. Wow. Um. I think I want to puke. Cry.
WTF - seriously you cheat on your previous wife and this is where you have ended up. I think Dean's Ex may be having the last laugh.
I'm exceptionally bitchy today
Have a nice Thursday.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Autumn MiseryAnd I say misery because it is at this time of year my past comes back to haunt me full force. It's this time of year are start thinking about my dead father. I often wish the memories of him were more positive. I always thought when he died I would think "What a wonderful dad." the brutal reality is that mostly remember is "asshole moments" My father was a good dad from a practical perspective. He drove me places, gave me money etc... This was a good thing. He did absolutely zero for the self esteem. He routinely made me feel bad about myself or question my intellect.
Fall to me is just a preamble to what is Christmas hell. I've had way too many poignant, emotional things happen to me in fall. It has left me with an acrid taste for the season. I broke up with my first love, lost my father, gave birth to my first child, Moved from my childhood home and city - All in fall. Yes the child was a beautiful experience, but emotional nonetheless.
I was listening to this song and realized that it is the first one that somehow encompasses all the feelings I have for fall and what I have gone through - sigh
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Love and MarriageI was talking to a friend today...she asked me how I knew my hubby was "the one"
Let start with saying this: I don't believe in souls mates..or more specifically your soul mate does not necessarily equal lover/husband. I don't believe in love at first sight or twitterpated fumblings in the dark. That's for kids...well teens.
I knew he was one the one on several fronts:
- The relationship/dating phase did not seem forced. I did not need to foof or preen. I could, but I knew he accepted things status quo.
- He could dispose of a dead chicken - Don't ask
- And he played prairie oyster song for me...I know I'm weird
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Babies and MurderersWow, pretty upbeat topics for today.
Let's start with he cute and cuddly...babies. I am attempting to have another one. Well to be perfectly honest have been sorta passively trying for 4 years. I don't ovulate well. So I will be needing to enlist the use of Clomid soon. A drug used to induce ovulation and creates the clomid-crazies. Nice. I will be in hormonal hell for a while which hopefully will end in a baby for me. If not that's the end of the road for me. No IVF. No adoption. Game over. If it is game over, I will be very sad...very sad, but these are my choices. I want my daughter to have a sibling. I was an only child and it sucked...sucked hard.
Ah we all know about this Guy
I must be the only person on the planet that feels for this guy... Now wait before you start throwing things at me. Let me preamble this with, yes. it was a horrific thing to do to an innocent victim and his family. Absolutely.
Where I feel compassion is that this man was clearly mentally ill and not the usual hey I'm depressed kind. The full-on hearing voices to tell him to do shit kind. I would guess he is a paranoid schizophrenic...of course we don't know for sure. If he was indeed hearing voices to tell him to do this heinous act we need to understand that those voices are nearly impossible to ignore. I knew someone who was a paranoid schizophrenic and un-medicated... Let me tell ya things can get pretty hairy. Normally the voices are just insulting, but I think in this case we may have a situation where he went un-medicated for too long and delusions got out of hand.
I almost hope he isn't mentally ill because then you will have a bunch of uneducated yoyos going around saying shit like, "Hey hang the motherfucker" and put all mentally ill people in one pigeon hole - dangerous folks. What saddens me is this man probably had a moment of clarity, like many schizophrenics do and realised what he had done...wow can you imaging that level of horror and guilt.