US State Department Declares Israel In Compliance With International Law - Except for Actions, Outcomes, Policies and Intent

The US State Department today declared that it has concluded Israel’s campaign of genocide, and willful infliction of famine in Gaza is in compliance with International Law. Secretary of State Blinken released a statement to clarify the administration’s position. “Through an exhaustive review of only the information that would allow us to reach this conclusion, we’ve found that Israel is living up to the United State’s highest ideals of widespread infliction of civilian suffering agasint the right people in the Middle East. [Read More]

Social Media Personality 'Donald Trump' Launches OnlyFans

Social media personality and failed steak salesman Donald Trump announced today that he is launching an OnlyFans subscription where fans can subscribe for ‘saucy’ photos of Trump. For $49.99 a month users will gain access to boudoir photos of Trump and other exclusive content. At launch the photos available include Trump wearing only his signature long tie, Trump draped in a sheer American flag, Trump dressed in sexy halloween versions of his favorite historical figures including Hitler and Moussolini and Trump. [Read More]

Last Minute Appeals Court Reprieve Reduces Trump Bond to Three Nickels and a Sachet of Magic Beans

A New York Appeals Court today issued an order giving Donald Trump a last minute reprieve to avoid paying a judgment for decades of fraud. Trump was due to provide the court with a $454 Million bond by tomorrow to avoid having his properties seized to pay the judgment. In the ruling the court noted that it had come to their attention that Trump had been treated mostly like a normal person by the justice system and had only received minimal special treatment to allow him to incite death threats against court employees and prosecutors. [Read More]